Unintended Muse.
Why do you write?
I write because he didn’t want my love.
And I am left with all that he refused- the residual affection, the debris of us in the wake of his hasty departure.
And I don’t quite know what to do with it.
Unlike a mug or an IKEA photo frame, I can’t repackage it and give it to an unsuspecting friend on their birthday. It’s not biodegradable, I can’t throw it out; all three colours of recycling bins are wrong.
Love conquers all but the heart that does not want to love anymore.
So I use it in the only way I know how – strung into sentences, paragraphs and poorly constructed haikus. When his indifference cuts like a knife, I sit in front of my typewriter and bleed my heart onto paper, dying a little with every stroke of the key for the words to come to life.
In the past eight months, I must have written miles and miles of words for him – but he hasn’t read a single one.
But I am still writing because maybe one day, a paragraph, phrase or word would move him; perhaps a strategically placed semicolon would tug at his heartstrings and remind him of what used to be.
And he would change his mind and come back.
But of all pains, the greatest pain,
It is to love, but to love in vain.
Hi Mun Yee, another beautifully written blog post. I know that different people heal at different paces, but I remember reading somewhere a long time ago that it would take one month for every year that you have been together, to get over someone. Or, that process can be accelerated by getting back on that bucking horse we call dating. I hope you will grow stronger and more loving from this experience, because we can’t fully appreciate the goodness in people until we experience the bad bits. :)
My dearest Mun Yee,
The messages in your musings are totally heart wrenching. Perhaps, one day, the messages will get across. Then, the reality shall strike him. Take care.
Zoe, you can really write — those words, effortlessly constructed and put together into a cohesive whole. Fiction or otherwise, this is a case of serendipity having chanced upon your works on Facebook an hour ago. Keep it coming. All the best!
I have written for nearly two years, nothing moves him, things are worsening….i fear the day I dreaded most may be coming soon….
this song is my emotions now for letting her go.ne me quitepas-jacques brel
Your words are amazing and speak as though they are thoughts from my head. I have lost my eloquence thru the years of not writing. you will heal.
Hi Renee
Thank you so much for reading.I hope that in time, you will go back to writing again.
x.
I don’t know you, but I think I love you.
Mun Yee, I will like to thank you for writing and I admire your ability to use simple phrases to describe inner thoughts and feelings so succinctly. Describing my inner thoughts – which I can’t put into words myself. Keep writing and may you find the healing and brightness once again.
No.
You don’t want him back.
Not the man who is indifferent. The one who cannot see, who cannot hear, who cannot read.
Not that man.
But a different man.
The one who is moved and glad and proud to share himself with you.
Other muses, more enduring, will make themselves known.
But this indifferent man, why would you want him back?
He cannot see, he cannot hear, he cannot read.
I am sorry for your pain, though.
Some other man, at some other time
Will be glad, honoured, and touched
To share himself with you.
He will face you straight on
Open handed, open hearted
And not expect you to peck
For small crumbs of affection
From a closed fist
Held behind his back
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