iaremyne.

#loveminusone

Philophobia.

You know what I am afraid of?

I am afraid of meeting someone new. 

And he would show up with flowers for no other reason other than to make me smile.

Take me to dinner and leave his untouched because he was too engrossed in my stories, that he would take me to the movies and watch me instead. 

 

Terrified that he would make me laugh and lose my train of thought. Fascinate me with all that he knows and surprise me by admitting all that he doesn’t. 

He might try to remember things like my favourite color or the fact that I don’t eat peas;

and make me wonder what it’s like to be unravelled and worshipped by his hands. 

 

And at the end of the night, I am afraid that he would stand at the front of my door with hope in his eyes and the question on his lips:

“Would you let me in?”

 

And every fibre of my being would want to say yes.

To step aside and let him into the doorway of my home and my heart; to show him all the broken pieces and see if he’s any good with puzzles.

But I won’t.

Instead, I would kiss him on the cheek and thank him for a good night.

Then I would shut the door and him out – like I did to all the ones before him and after you. 

 

My heart is so terrified of the fall that it no longer plays on the edge of love. It’s been down this road before, it’s seen the familiar signs and knows exactly how it would end.

My heart refuses to try again because it has run out of room for another souvenir of hurt. 

 

I don’t resent you for all that you’ve done – for all that leaving, all that hurt, all that closure that you didn’t offer. 

It doesn’t matter anymore that you didn’t want me.

I just wish you hadn’t ruined me for everyone else.

 

 

 

What if I keep looking back at what was,
and miss out on what could be?

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Comments
  1. Daniel Kumar 30th April 2015 on 11:05 pm Reply

    Very poetic and yet heartfelt! Thanks for sharing!!

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:23 am Reply

      Thank you for reading, Daniel. :)

  2. J 30th April 2015 on 11:22 pm Reply

    you just need what most people wished for and take granted of….TIME…
    one day….really that one man…who can make you want to let him fill up your….vacant space in your heart is waiting for you patiently …somewhere…

    • M(: 1st May 2015 on 1:11 am Reply

      You will heal. Have faith in yourself!
      My husband, and I too, have had our hearts trampled on time and again in the past. But with these scars we mature. With these scars we’ve learnt to sieve out the good apples from the bad.
      You will slowly find your way back into love too (: Jiayou.

      • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:32 am Reply

        Hi M(:

        Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. I know that there are no wasted lessons in heartbreak, every one of them a Northern star guiding me to the right one.

        I wish you and your hubby all the happiness in this world.

        x.

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:23 am Reply

      Thanks J, for reading.

      And you are right, there is someone who’s the perfect fit for me waiting for me somewhere. I should not give up on that.

      Thank you for dropping me a message!

      x.

  3. Nichelle 1st May 2015 on 3:51 am Reply

    I can feel the pain through your words. And although this sounds very cliche, but times really does heal. How long it takes differs per person. It took me 2 years and I still think about him sometimes, but a lot less now. So.. be strong! I will pray for you.

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:19 am Reply

      Hi Nichelle!

      Thank you for reading. Yes, time does heal. The only downside is that it takes time :)

      Thank you for keeping me in prayer.

      I hope you are happy and well, wherever you are.

      x.

  4. Hemaavathy Tharmalingam 1st May 2015 on 6:12 am Reply

    My dearest MunYee,
    Let’s not stereotype, shall we??
    I have always believed in being sincere rather than being serious in regards of a relationship. In that way, one does not have to bear so much of a heartbreak when shit happens. This way, you’ll be ready for anything. Let come what may. Take care, love. =)

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:24 am Reply

      Thank you for reading, Hemaa :)

      Hope you are well!

  5. Aaron Tang 1st May 2015 on 11:14 am Reply

    Would like to see this on Thought Catalog please?

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:18 am Reply

      Hi Aaron!

      Haha i have submitted a couple of pieces but none of it has gotten published. :(

      I think Thought Catalog standards are too high. Though sometimes you see questionable pieces on it. But it’s alright. I have this space :)

  6. J 4th May 2015 on 6:35 pm Reply

    Dear mun yee, i totalli feel you. l
    i thank you for sharing the same view as me. and i quote
    ‘but since u left, each boy i meet, will always have you to compete’

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:16 am Reply

      Hi J

      Thank you for reading. I hope that in time, someone comes along and make you realise that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.

      I hope you’re well.

      x.

  7. Angelalovesjelly 5th May 2015 on 7:53 pm Reply

    Hello!! :))
    You write beautifully! :)) Damn you are talented. Btw, you shld really follow poemporn_ on Instagram. I think it will be up your alley! The author writes nice and heartfelt pieces like you!

    Continue the good writing!! Look forward to more! :))

    • iaremunyee 6th May 2015 on 9:15 am Reply

      Hi Angela :)

      Thank you for such a sweet message! And i do follow poemporn_ on both Twitter and Instagram! You are right, they do write very poignant pieces.

      I hope you are well!

      x.

  8. YL 6th May 2015 on 10:12 pm Reply

    This is beautiful! keep writing please :)

    • iaremunyee 7th May 2015 on 9:19 am Reply

      Hello YL

      Thank you so much for reading :)

  9. renee 7th May 2015 on 6:55 am Reply

    you’re not alone. hugs. Every word speaks to my heart.

  10. jackson 11th May 2015 on 3:23 pm Reply

    you sound like someone who enjoys doing the dishes.. are you free next week?

  11. Rashid Hamid 12th May 2015 on 3:19 am Reply

    “My nose was assaulted by a putrid smell of death and decay”
    I read the article.
    You are really a kind person.
    Best wishes.
    Rashid Hamid

  12. Jowee 12th May 2015 on 10:30 am Reply

    I felt like crying when I read this.

  13. Serine A. 12th May 2015 on 5:27 pm Reply

    Like you, I’m a writer as well–I write for a living in the Philippines. The only difference is, I’m a full-time writer for anybody else and not really for myself. I occasionally write on my own blog but now, since I stumbled upon yours, I was hooked. And I want to start writing for myself again.

    BTW, this particular post is really hurtful. Good job. :)

  14. Sherri 14th May 2015 on 12:56 am Reply

    For some reason this makes me think about the Amos Yee saga in Singapore. Your post really makes what he did pale in comparison when I draw parallels.
    Lets work towards more self-loving even though we can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel! xx

  15. donkey kong 14th May 2015 on 8:42 am Reply

    If I was you I would be afraid of never being able to write anything anyone wants to read except entitled spoiled brat style complaints about other fools on budget flights. Seeing as you have removed such post, I can see you indeed do understand your value as an author. sad.

  16. Small girl 14th May 2015 on 12:13 pm Reply

    Dear Mun Yee,
    I can resonate with your thoughts and feelings. I actually feel pretty much the same even though it has been almost a year since I last had a relationship (and he was my first boyfriend). Since then, I could never place my heart into another person’s hands again. Not sure if I ever will, but the thought of being vulnerable again is so so scary and so so tiring.

    As an encouragement (to both of us!) here’s a quote that I like very very much by C.S. Lewis though I’m pretty sure you’ve stumbled upon it some time ago!

    http://zenpencils.com/comic/103-c-s-lewis-to-love-at-all/

    Love your writing and honesty :) all the best and God bless!

  17. Adam 14th May 2015 on 12:34 pm Reply

    I’m sorry that someone hurt you :(
    Take care, & be strong :)

  18. RG 14th May 2015 on 9:26 pm Reply

    You don’t get ruined by other people.
    You LET yourself be ruined for others.
    When you finally let go of Mr Wrong,
    You create the opportunity for Mr Right.

  19. Eclair 9th July 2015 on 12:38 am Reply

    Dear Mun Yee,
    You have a talent with words that touch many people’s hearts deeply. Keep writing so that the weak, the injured, the heartbroken and the depressed may seek solace in your works and once again rise. I am confident to say that he did not ruin you for everyone else; he made you stronger, more mature and knowledgeable, albeit in a cruel way. I know because I had been through a similar phase- the self-doubting, the phobia of letting anyone into my life again, the self-depricating, the what-ifs and the numerous senseless fears. One day, you would not even need to try. Your heart would be ready, luring the One with a small crack to slip through unnoticablely. He would be chipping away at your tough armour that you thought you had firmly in place for protection. All the unease would be slowly slipping away, replaced by newborn tender hope. It would not be easy for you and him but time would tell. It would wash away your fears and allow you to declare to the world that once again you are ecstatic to be alive and glad to be freed of the previous terror. And then, you would write, but this time of pure joy that would inspire the world.
    All the best,
    Eclair Lee

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