The misadventures of the heart and sometimes, the stomach.

My iPhone Date.

I know full well that I cannot compare to her. She’s slim and lightweight with curves in all the right places. She takes better photos, is constantly updated with the latest news and has a better sense of direction. I know that many guys who would gladly pledge their left testicle just to own her. 

I know that I can never hold a candle to her. I don’t even come close. And as an understanding girlfriend, I would never make you choose between the both of us. So I am willing to compromise. To be the bigger woman. I am alright with sharing you. Really. 

That being said though, I wished that when you would stop staring at her when you’re with me. 

Like when we are out at the mall or the park, I can’t hold your hand cause you insist on holding her. Am I supposed to hold onto your elbow instead? When you render an arm unusable, you can’t carry half as many shopping bags or groceries. If I’d wanted to date a disabled, I would at least go for someone with a wheelchair. At the very least I can hang stuff off the handles. 

You miss half the conversations that we have. It almost feels like I am talking to a therapist, the way you only occasionally grunt and nod. Do you know how many intelligent word plays and jokes you’ve missed out because you’re too busy figuring out how to open an attachment or reply an email?

What’s the point of me doing my hair or padding out my bra with tissue paper to get a decent décolletage if you’re too busy updating your social media platforms to notice? How can I tell you about my day if you’re reading about other people’s?

I have tried very hard to adapt her into our lives and day to day activities. But it is impossible to work her endless pings and vibrations into foreplay. And no, I will not put my orgasm on hold until you’re done with that phone call. 

I love you very much. But I am not open to a threesome with an electronic device. 

So don’t ask me out on dates if you are going to stare at her instead of me. 

Just don’t come running back to me when she runs out of battery. 

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