I have never felt like I was part of this exclusive club. 

My dressing always looked frumpier compared to everyone else’s Sunday best. I never quite figured out the dress code. My skirt was either too short, my pants too tight and when I try to preserve some modesty by wearing tights, they stare as if I was in my birthday suit. 

The members would stand around and talk about that one good book they’ve read. They would talk about how good the author is, how relevant his words are to our daily lives. Everyone seemed to know which page that one phrase was from or which quote was appropriate for which situation. 

And though I have read the one and the same, I always held my tongue, lest I say something wrong. 

When they pass around the little biscuits and wine in dainty cups, I would hold the biscuit wrongly or eat it at the wrong time. And always, always I await the flood of emotions that everyone talks about. I chew slowly, savour the wine; to prolong the experience, to somehow artificially feel something, anything.

But always, always it’s just biscuit and wine and nothing. 

I try to mimic the hand gestures, when to sit, how to stand. I learn their pledge of allegiance and the songs they sing. I kneel when they do. Hand clasped, eyes closed. 

In every form and manner I am like them, but I don’t see what they see. 

And when they tell me,

That was a great meeting. Hope to see you next Sunday. 

I would smile and nod.

See you next Sunday. 

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  1. gwynnieboo 16th April 2014 on 1:29 pm Reply

    I used to feel that way too, and in a certain way; I still do when in most churches. Took me 20 years to "experience" His presence.

  2. Felix Chia 25th November 2014 on 4:44 am Reply

    I felt the same way. They don't give wine here in Singapore. I felt the same way, smiled but shook my head and left. I believe He exists, just not in the same way as others.

    You don't see what they see. For all you know they see what you see. Perhaps there is no need to see because the pinciples and values they teach are good enough and He will always be there to listen to you, tangible "proof" or not.

  3. Anonymous 16th December 2014 on 11:25 am Reply


    The teacher is silet during an exam


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