I suppose you want to know why I left.
But before I get to the end, let me first tell you the beginning.
I fell in love with her smile first and then the sound of her laughter.
I fell in love with the way her eyes disappear, how her face would blush crimson.
I fell in love with the way she tries to stifle a chuckle.
I fell in love with the way she tries and fails.
In the beginning, I fell in love with how happy she was.
And though we’d just met, I knew that her laughter was the question that I wanted to spend the rest of my life answering.
But soon I noticed that something was wrong; that there were cracks in all of that happy.
And that’s when I realized why she tries so hard, because the saddest people know what it feels like to feel so unloved and worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel the same.
In the morning, she would put on a smile for the world – like she would her make up or dress. But at night, I am the only one who sees her fall apart. I stand by the door and watch all that make up and façade run down the toilet sink.
And that was the beginning of the end.
Do you know how it feels like watching the person you love drown in their own fears?
Do you know how tiring it is to keep her and yourself above water?
Now you might think of me as a coward, a pussy. And I suppose I deserve that. You can crucify me on that cross for giving up but you cannot fault me for not trying.
Because by God, I tried.
I wiped away tears that come unannounced. I slept with the light on because she was afraid of the dark. I tried to show her that the monsters weren’t really monsters after all; that all she’s seeing were merely shadows on our bedroom wall. I tried to hold her together every time she fell apart. I tried to anchor her when she can’t tell the difference between the truth and the reality forged by insecurities.
When she gets on the runaway train of doubt and fear, I jump on right after her with two tickets in hand to bring her home.
I told her that I love her even when she did not believe me. I loved her when she didn’t love herself.
I thought that my love could be her salvation but I couldn’t save her from her demons.
Funny how people say that if you love someone unconditionally, you can heal all that is broken.
But what they don’t tell you is that sometimes, love isn’t enough.
In the end, I had forgotten the curve of her smile, the rise and fall of her laughter.
In the end, I had forgotten what it was like to be happy together.
In the end, I remember how I felt so tired of rescuing her.
In the end, I remember giving up.
In the end,
well you already know it ends.
I tried fixing all your broken pieces only to end up cutting myself.