iaremyne.

#loveminusone

Alone Again.

 

After you,

I had to learn to be alone again.

 

Like reconciling with stage fright or attempting to ride the bicycle once more,

the experience was familiar yet terrifying because it’s been so long and I had forgotten just how to.

I take myself out to eat. It was difficult at first – the way the waiter shifts uncomfortably when I ask for a table for one.

But I started with fast food restaurants and coffee shops -where being alone was acceptable. Then, the brunch places that we used to go. Soon, perhaps I will try places with linen, silverware and menus without any pictures on them.

 

I resist the urge to scroll through my phone, to seem like I had messages or emails to reply when all I am really doing is scroll through the perfectly curated social media lives of others, feeling more and more inferior and lonely.

Instead, I immerse myself in the food; between strands of pasta and grains of rice, in the labyrinth of a crusty baguette or the grain of steaks, in glasses-fogging coffee steam and the feel of cakes yielding to my dessert fork.

 

I go to the movies alone. I used to sneak in when the lights have dimmed so that no one would see. But now I try to go in with everybody else and endure all the pre-movie commercials. I laugh loudly, prop my feet up and eat all the popcorn by myself.

I go shopping by myself and take forever in the fitting rooms; not feeling weighed down by the guilt of someone waiting for me outside.

I buy the things that I love; be as provocative or conservative as I want to be. I no longer have to wonder if this dress or that is something you would’ve liked.

Instead of buying dental floss for my butt, I buy comfortable underwear.

 

Some Friday nights, I buy my favorite wine and watch an entire season of Sherlock in my pyjamas. Other nights I drink beers from 7-11 and eat from lok lok vans because some things don’t change even when you’re gone.

Mostly, I try to find joy in my own company, to take up a new hobby and rekindle old ones, to remind myself that I am whole, despite the gaping hole;

that just because I am alone, it does not necessarily mean that I am lonely.

 


And sometimes, just sometimes, I miss you. 
But it’s okay, no one will ever know.

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Comments
  1. Unknown 29th January 2015 on 4:10 pm Reply

    It is okay to miss someone sometimes. Your life does not only revolves around him/her. You will have friends and families. That is why digi is earning so much :(

  2. asme5187 29th January 2015 on 5:57 pm Reply

    Emm you know what..i think ur life experience is really similar to a friend that i used to know…a really closed one..based on d date u post the articles,they were around the same time.when first i followed your blog,i thought that you were my that friend!i kinda attracted n shocked with your article with the 'dhal'& 'thosai'as a title..good reading

  3. Anonymous 20th February 2015 on 2:01 pm Reply

    It has been a year plus for me and I'm still finding it difficult to be seen alone, to do something that I enjoy doing.

    • iaremunyee 16th March 2015 on 10:22 pm Reply

      Hi Anonymous,

      It takes time for the heart to heal, to believe and to love again. But it is not a passive process. It also requires you to take conscious steps towards that. Start small, do the little things. Rebuild from scratch, brick by brick at a time. You can, you must believe that you can and will.

      Being alone isn’t so bad when you know that you are surrounded by friends and family who loves you.

      Good luck.

  4. anonymous 16th March 2015 on 9:41 pm Reply

    heartbreaking

  5. Daniel 9th April 2015 on 8:26 am Reply

    I started reading and I’m hooked, I can understand because sometimes I fell exactly the same way too… after being hurt, sometimes it’s better to be alone… and I’m learning too :)

  6. Dzeti 9th April 2015 on 11:00 am Reply

    Beautiful piece of writing.
    Same here. I so feel you.

  7. PL 9th April 2015 on 11:48 pm Reply

    Time will heal everything, yes just time, no other medicine…now, just take good care of yourself, love yourself and never hurt yourself. The day will come when you reflect back your experience and can afford a smile.

  8. Elaine 10th April 2015 on 2:03 pm Reply

    Yes. I’m still trying to be alone.. But I would rather love to go out in a couple of friends. Keep yourself working your ass off at work. Having lots of “ME” time. Let go and work hard for a new better one :)

  9. Coni 15th April 2015 on 12:13 am Reply

    When my friends started to become curious of the opposite sex during my teenage years, I strolled down the opposite path and lived my social life like how you wrote it.

    I would go to cinema alone and watch those that I liked, not required to discuss the choice with anyone. I would treat myself to good food, bring myself to new places, and sit on a bench at the park for hours. No one would bother, I was at ease, always.

    I couldn’t imagine myself being connected intimately to someone who wasn’t my kin in the first place. I retreated at every attempt made by a person of the opposite sex. I suspected myself being homosexual, but I wasn’t. I just wasn’t ready for a man to step into my life. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and was too proud to go for flings. Flings aren’t my cup of tea.

    So, when a man did appear and took my hand, I trembled at first. I found myself clueless of what to do and how to act like a girl in love. I had to learn it like a newbie. I stumbled, I made silly comments, and I acted clumsily. All of a sudden, things seem to be a bit out of my control. I need to ask for opinion, accommodate to someone else’s schedule, and I can no longer behave like nobody’s business – there is someone else’s feelings I need to take care of.

    What I want to tell you is that life is full of wonders that can shake our habits and thinking up. Learning to be alone. Learning to not be alone. Learning to be alone without making yourself feeling lonely. Learning to not be alone and not making your partner feels lonely.

    Every experience is precious, because it allows you to discover more about yourself. And what is life, if it’s not to learn to live in peace with yourself? :)

    • Coni 15th April 2015 on 12:15 am Reply

      Oh and I continued to be alone but not lonely well into my late twenties. ;)

  10. ieka hassan 15th April 2015 on 9:35 am Reply

    Hi, I just want to say that I love your pieces of arts very very much, heheh. Artistic yet easy to read. Do write more! You just got one new fan!

  11. Alicia 15th April 2015 on 10:30 am Reply

    Just so that you know, you’re not the only one who decided to be good to yourself by taking yourself on dates. I have been dating myself for the past few months and I’m beginning to like it – I choose where I want to dine and I bring myself for the movies that he never thought of watching with me. I am just one step away from bringing myself on vacations to see the world that he spoke about but never brought me along. Being alone made me feel lonely at times (out of self-pity I feel, and possibly due to hormones at work) but now having slowly found myself again, it is liberating too. :)

  12. j3ff 18th April 2015 on 3:57 pm Reply

    your words capture exactly what i’m feeling right now. now if only i can muster enough courage to drag myself to the movies alone

  13. anonymous 12th May 2015 on 9:55 am Reply

    It’s heart breaking to bid farewell. Good to know you are doing well :)

  14. Margaret Dixon 13th May 2015 on 2:07 am Reply

    I am ancient and I have lived alone for most of my life and it is wonderful. I know I am a selfish witch but it is great to do what I want when I want. I read your letter to 15a and love your sense of humour…keep up your writing, you have a such a great way of coping with the negatives. I am sure you will not be alone too long and if you are you will enjoy your life regardless.

    • Sal 14th May 2015 on 3:40 am Reply

      Thats true, you don’t answer to anyone and don’t have to argue about what time to this and that with other people. But its good to have contacts also and relationships.

  15. Sal 14th May 2015 on 3:26 am Reply

    Don’t worry about it. I am by myself almost all the time, due to the things that happened in my life. I walk alone almost everywhere, but I keep my head up. Anybody that judges you for being by yourself, doesn’t know whats going on in your life and they are not in your shoes. Typically most people who have health issues, had tragedy or other bad things happen in their life or that time will most likely or even prefer to be alone. Trust me, you ain’t gonna be alone for long. There are lots of good guys out there who would love to just hang out with you or take you out. Always keep your head up, because people will know that you have a confidence by the way present yourself.

  16. Farrah S 17th May 2015 on 12:40 pm Reply

    This chimes with my current experience the past few months. Initially, I was aware of the odd glance here and there from couples or the waiting staff, but I eventually became comfortable – and proud even – of my solitariness.
    It was liberating to come and go when I wanted to, without having to weigh in on another person’s decision. All the promises to go somewhere or to do something with him, I ended up fulfilling them myself, alone. It may seem sad, but they freed me; I realized I didn’t need his presence to enjoy these things as I once believed I did.
    So here’s a toast to aloneness without feeling lonely,
    Cheers!
    :) x

  17. Roy 21st May 2015 on 3:00 pm Reply

    It feels so great to eat at a restaurant while not giving a crap about table manners, all alone.

    And for some of them, it is a sin to be not alone because then you are not doing justice to the food. Don’t you think so?

  18. Su 30th June 2015 on 3:04 am Reply

    I read posts of your heartbreak. Then I paused then I start all over again from your home page. This time tearing. Then it repeats, the tears falling harder than before. The chest tightens a little more. Once it is get beyond bearable, I stop. Then I feel a little better, a little lighter, a little stronger from the heartbreak. Thank you for expressing my feelings in words that I can’t.

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