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Dear Passenger 15A. (Anus of Satan)

feet

 

Dear passenger 15A,

You do not know me but I was seated in front of you during the flight from Singapore to Sydney on April 12th.

What I had initially thought to be a routine flight turned out to be a once in a lifetime experience – and it was all because of you.

I am writing this letter to thank you personally.

 

Being the cheapskate Asian that I am, I did not pay extra for a seat next to the emergency exit.

Though it offered more legroom, I couldn’t be bothered to read the special safety procedures. The last thing I would want is to compromise the lives of all the innocent passengers because I do not know how to open the airplane door.

Despite my common economy seat, you offered me a full back massage by repeatedly kicking the back of chair.  To date, I have yet to regain full mobility of the lower half of my body. But since I am single, I suppose I don’t have much use for it anyway.

 

I did not pay for the in-flight entertainment package either and I was worried that I might get bored. But my concerns were unfounded. You were talking so loudly – as if your friend was seated in the cargo hold rather than right next to you.

Perhaps she’s hard of hearing? This might strike you as odd but for the first time in my life, I wished I had a hearing impairment too.

Also, could you tell me where you bought those obnoxious snacks? I assume that they must have been delicious cause you rip one open every 30 minutes.

Thanks for the loud rustling and chewing ambient sounds!

 

At this point, I thought, “It can’t get any better than this.” But what I had meant as a rhetorical question, you took as a challenge.

For immediately, my nose was assaulted by a putrid smell of death and decay.

The stench was so strong that I turned to check if the old lady seated next to me was still breathing.

It was so nice of you to take off your shoes and put your feet between my seat and the plane window. It must have taken considerable effort – it was a small space but you stuck it as close to my face as you possibly could.

Your kindness moves me.

 

The sun is rising above the horizon; the sky is bleeding crimson and gold. But I cannot turn to gaze at this everyday miracle because every time I do, I smell the anus of Satan.

I had half the mind to pull down the oxygen mask above me. But then I remembered that I was flying on a budget airline, so I’d probably have to pay extra for that.

Did you know that you have made me a more religious person?

I have said more prayers in that eight-hour flight than I have in my entire life.

I was torn between asking God for strength to endure the rest of the journey and,

“SWEET BABY JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!”

 

This experience has been so memorable that I am writing this from my therapist’s office. I have also signed up for ten additional sessions to talk about it.

Thank you once again.

 

Insincerely yours,

Passenger 14A

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Comments
  1. Andy 12th September 2015 on 12:53 pm Reply

    Very nicely written. I can understand how you felt because I am a frequent traveller and nothing is worst than a seatmate from hell.

  2. 16B 24th December 2015 on 11:40 am Reply

    I am a frequent flyer and I feel your pain. I have also experienced the anus of Satan himself and not to mention:

    The breath of Baphomet – If you’re a smoker I guess it’s quite normal to inhale half a packet of 16mg Benson and Hedges over a 20 minute period if you’re going to be restricted in satisfying your nicotine cravings for the next 4 hours. Cigarettes are expensive and they happen to combine remarkably well with cheap wine. Putrid death and decay does describe this form of halitosis quite well, really well. Even with bulky headphones on, as a signal of “do not disturb this human” the B&H Baphomet often likes to discuss their day and other light hearted subjects. Where are you headed ? Am I not on the same aircraft as you ? You can turn your head and hold your breath for a while but even Harry Houdini has to breathe at some point. You know it’s coming and there is no escaping it.

    I understand that 4 hours is probably an impossible task for some people to contain their known gruesome emissions. Perhaps it’s handy though, they listen to the safety briefing as there is mention of where the facilities are located on the aircraft. Releasing something that closely resembles the anus of Satan in your own seat probably isn’t going to be the wisest choice in thinking you’ll be right with this if you’ve stuffed down a pork pie for lunch with a pint of lager.

    Remember Old Spice ? Well apparently it’s quite normal to use a whole bottle over your entire body just prior to boarding. You can’t compare that to the anus of Satan but it does have a nasty way of creating nausea and headaches after a lengthy exposure.

    Then there’s the people behind you with their fat fiddly fingers. Table down, table up, table down, table up. Push, push, can’t decide what i’ll watch on the screen positioned directly behind your head. I’ll watch it for 5 minutes and change my mind, push, push, push. Then they decide it’s time to visit the facilities and use your seat head rest like a disability rail to pull themselves up. Those seats are flexible it feels like you’ve been thrown back 45 degrees even though it’s probably only 15.

    The people in front always seem to know where their seat recliner is. I never use mine, so I normally eat whatever the hostess delivers with my table embedded in my stomach area with the tv screen 3 inches from my face.

    I always feel the pain of the parents with the screaming, non ear popping children with their green snotty noses that form the number 11 when they sneeze. But that’s what noise cancelling headphones are for. I didn’t hold back on my purchase on those for good reason. So now they don’t bother me unless of course you have one directly behind you. You can quickly rule out ANY form of rest if that’s the case. The only bonus there, is that you’ve just received a free ticket to the 4D cinema at Movie World. Any movie you are watching will be enhanced with super loud noises, your seat constantly shaking throughout and random sprayings of water or other matter.

    I’m not exactly a large person so whenever i am offered any of the emergency seats as a free upgrade i always decline leaving it for those that battle with limited space. I just wish the check in staff could use some subtle discretion at times and reserve those seats for the likes of those with generous proportions.

    I’ve sat next to John Candy, in fact i’ve sat next to John Candy’s bigger brother. It’s a little awkward having half of someones arse dispersed under the arm rest onto yourself. Forget that little wrestle of who’s getting the arm rest. It’s consumed by someones chest. As soon as touch down occurs i’m on the phone booking into the chiropractor for a back adjustment after sitting at a 45 degree angle for 3-4 hours.

    I do enjoy that little initial moment where you’re sitting at the window on your own and you have a spare seat next to you. Oh shit !! Here they come ! Damn it there’s more. As they walk down the aisle with their elbows and baggage bruising peoples arms whilst scouting for their allocated seat, you’re suddenly thrust into a game of Wheel of Fortune.

    What will I win ??? Old Spice, Anus of Satan, John Candy, Baphomet or a 4D movie. The wheel spins, click, click, click, click, click, click landing on the black segment of bankruptcy. Couldn’t I have just got $50 and chosen an N or P for “Normal Person”.

    I travelled on trains in Sydney for years and the worst it got was you’re standing up for your trip in a can of sardines and your nose is in a tradies armpit that’s wearing one of those blue singlets in 40 degree heat. BUT – you’re not strapped in for the ride, you can move or just escape it. Being strapped in a seat for a lengthy period of time in a plane is sometimes like a chemical, biological warfare incident.

    Yours sincerely, I feel your pain in Seat 16B

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