An Honest Resume.

• 8th December 2012
• 11

Lau Mun Yee

Still lives with parents (and will
remain so until I get this job)
019 *** ****
[email protected]

Personal Statement
I am a graduate from an overpriced private
university. I am flexible, dependable, driven, determined, hardworking, and
passionate, willing to learn, humble, creative, possess initiative and
leadership skills. I am also very good in coming up with adjectives. I am
looking for a full time position in your company where I will be underpaid and overworked.

Education
I have an Arts degree because I am not smart enough to take up engineering or medicine.
I am also terrible in Maths. I major in Psychology because that is as close to a certified doctor as I can get.
I graduated with a 2.5 CGPA because I remember someone telling me that in life, grades don’t matter.

Work Experience
I worked during my summer break because words like ‘holiday’, ‘vacation’ and ‘relax’ do not exist in my Asian parents’ vocabulary. At a publishing house, I stare blankly at a monitor for hours and pretended to work only when a superior walked past. My work hazards include paper cuts and typos.

Achievements
I talk too much. Sometimes I go on stage to do that and people give me certificates and
trophies to shut me up.
I am always the President in clubs/organizations because I enjoy telling people what to do.
I do public confessions of love.
I do flash mobs.

Skills
I cook, clean and chauffeur.
I can Photoshop away pimples and increase girth/cup size.
I write three thousand word essays in one night without any coffee.
I can spend hours online prowling viral videos, stalking my ex’s profile and downloading illegal material.
I almost always find a way to end up in the weird part of Youtube.
I speak fluent sarcasm and English with a fake accent.
I am a people person when intoxicated.

Expected Salary
As a fresh graduate with skills not relevant to the position I am asking for, I will work for no less than RM2500. Trust me. I am Asian and I will always give you best price.

To whom it may concern,

I would be most grateful if you can find a suitable position for me. In fact my parents and the extended family will be grateful too. I can be reached via mobile or email after 12.30 pm. Any time before that I will be sleeping. I am ready to start work after my 21st birthday hangover (December 2012).

I look forward and fervently pray for your favorable reply.
Sincerely,
Lau Mun Yee