You are leaving next week.
Wasn’t it just yesterday that you started the eight month long visa application process to the University of British Columbia?
If I had known how quickly time flies, I would’ve crippled it’s wings.
For the longest time I refused to think or talk about it. I refused to believe that it could possibly happen; that you would meet the requirements, that your visa will go through, that you would ever leave.I had prayed that you won’t get accepted so you would stay. God why didn’t you listen?
I supposed it is selfish of me to ask you to not pursue your dreams. It is selfish of me to think that my little brother would always stay little. I know this time would come. We all grow up; eventually I would get married and you would go on to build a family on your own.
I know that you leaving is an eventual thing. But it wouldn’t be any less heartbreaking.
Yes, we have technology and means to communicate anywhere in the world you may be; we have Whatsapp, Facebook and Skype. We have airplanes, helicopters, space shuttles.
But tell me, how can your pixelated face on my screen replace the mornings when you wake me up with hugs (5 minutes, please?) and nights when I tucked you in?
How can the words typed out in text messages and Whatsapp be the conversations we have late into the night or the inside jokes that are only funny to us? Which emoticons would suffice in recreating that knowing look that we share?
Your synthetic voice through my earpiece can never substitute our impromptu karaoke sessions or you strumming my out of tune guitar to songs you made up in your head.
Who should I share my dilemma on whether or not I should have supper? Who would tell me straight to the face that a dress makes me fat or that I should unhand the junk food and back away slowly? Who would write me notes and stick them onto my bedroom door or send me texts asking me where I am; who would beg me for treats or play pretend with me? Who would watch my back when I want to go out without permission?
Who would come to me with their fragile secrets, for a sanctuary to place them?
Who would hold me and put me back together during moments when I fall apart?
Who would I be without you?
I am sorry, for times when you needed me and I wasn’t there.
I am sorry for making fun of the girl who got away. (But seriously, get over it)
I am sorry for the nights when you wanted to spend time and I brushed you off with the promise of tomorrow.
I am sorry for not paying attention when you were telling me about diets, basketball or Jesus.
I am sorry for getting caught up with scrolling through the lives of others instead of catching up with yours.
I am sorry for getting angry and all the petty fights.
I am sorry for every moment that I’d missed to show you how much I love you.
I could list down every good memory that we shared but I would’ve run out of words and space before I am even close to being done. Though we are different in every possible way, you were the best complement and my best (only) friend.
You kept me grounded and gave advice that far surpasses your age. You were my champion and number 1 fan. You prayed for me, loved me and gave me the means to play the role of sister to the best of my ability.
Did you know that I love you above everyone and everything else?
I will miss you. Even if we Skyped every day, I will miss you. When I can no longer hear you sneaking into my room to take a nap, when I can no longer set the table for two or hear the sound of your footsteps running down the stairs to greet me at the door, when I see little things that remind me of you, such as your toothbrush and your towel; when I sit in your room that seems so familiar yet foreign all at once because my axis is no longer there, when I start to forget the smell of your skin or the feel of your embrace.
What would I be, if I am not your sister?
But I can’t keep you by my side, even if I had superhuman might.
I want you to know that no matter that you are a room or 8000 miles away; Cece will always, always love you.
Left, right, eyes, eyes, nose, boost forever okay?
This is not goodbye. This is see you soon, Ah Bi.